Self Discovery


Sharks Can’t Go Back to Bathtubs and Other Love Advice 9

As I mentioned in my post last week, I went to dinner with Not The One. I had the purest of intentions of showing up, being platonic friends, catching up, and going our different ways at the end of the night.

Turns out being just friends will never be in the cards for us. (more…)


The Evolution of My Spring Breaks and Wet T-Shirt Contests 5

Rejected titles for this post include:

  • This is Thirty
  • Stay Home Moms and Vodka Chuggers Deserve More Respect
  • Where is Sex and The City: Season 7 When You Need It?

For Spring Break my senior year of college, thirty or so friends of mine and I went on a six day booze cruise through the Caribbean. It was full of the typical Spring Break fanfare – smuggling alcohol onto the ship, excessive amounts hot tub make-outs, drinking mystery booze from a man with a whistle, half naked dancing on beaches, and I’m pretty sure I made out with someone in order to get shots at what I later found out was an open bar beach party.

I’m nothing if not classy. (more…)


I’m pretty sure I deserve a hug and a slap from Stevie Nicks. 13

If you already don’t like me, this post certainly isn’t going to help.

Then again, if you don’t like me you probably don’t know about or don’t care about my blog, so really this post is only going to make people who already like me a little like me less, and make those who like me a lot reconsider.

The thing is, I really like to feel sorry for myself. (more…)


7 Scientifically Proven Ineffective Ways to Mend a Broken Heart 9

Whenever someone posts a list, don’t we all just usually scroll through the opener anyway? I’ll save us both some time by skipping the usual pleasantries if you’ll do me a solid and read for more than just skimming the bold lines.

But first, I will say this one thing: I’m relying entirely on empirical evidence in this study. Now, there has been a relatively small sample size (just me), but my approach is similar to the argument that global warming can’t exist because I’m cold right now. If that’s good enough for Steven Colbert and congress, who am I to upend the entire scientific method? (more…)


“… and that’s because none of us got enough love in our childhood.” 3

As a teacher, one of my favorite genres of writing to teach was the persuasive essay.

Maybe it’s because I worked at a law firm in college and fancied myself able to keep most of those misogynistic, self-righteous bastards on their toes. If I told you how many lawyers I’ve been in “relationshits” with, you would understand my not-so-thinly veiled loathing. AND I’M NOT YOUR “SUGAR,” MR. HOLLAND!!!

Maybe it’s because nothing is more entertaining than 150 preteens writing letters to convince you that the driving age should be lowered to thirteen. “My girlfriend lives on the other side of the highway and my mom won’t let me ride my bike that far” is as good a reason as I’ve ever heard.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been known to argue with a wall when I get bored. Let’s be honest… it’s probably that.

Either way, let me dazzle you with my persuasive writing skills as I explore the logos (logical), pathos (emotional), and ethos (credibility) appeals for why you should help me shamelessly whore out the Terrible Poker Face blog. (more…)


Break-Up Side Effect #1: Humiliation 12

New Relationship Smugness is a real thing, y’all.

According to Urban Dictionary- New Relationship Smugness (NRS)
A very common overwhelming emotion by new couples experienced within the first 1 – 6 months of their relationship. They are poisoned by their own happiness and led to believe they are the “Perfect Couple”, after the honeymoon phase ends and the healthy relationship begins… NRS quickly fades away.
“You and Robin are in the honeymoon phase. Everything’s perfect. Every song on the radio’s about you. Every other couple sucks. Enjoy it, NRS doesn’t last forever.”– Ted, How I Met Your Mother
When I first met Romeo, I experienced the smuggiest of New Relationship Smugness that ever did exist in all of the land: (more…)

Yesterday-1; Me-0 13

Rejected titles for this entry include:

  • Terrible Poker Face and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
  • Not The First Time I’ve Cried at the Gyno
  • Some Days You’re the Pigeon; Some Days You’re the Statue

Y’all. Follow me down the rabbit hole…

7:18am Realize that I’ve snoozed 6 times and have way overslept due to my disproportionately awful Oscars party hangover. (Two glasses should not make me feel like all light and sound is trying to punish me… even if my two glasses were extremely large. And full. And black with a small opening at the top. Fine. They were bottles. I drank two bottles. Whatever.) (more…)


The Bad Boy 6

I’ve been destroyed by the dissolution of relationships in about as many ways as you could imagine. In attempts to make sure that the heartbreak that I’m barely keeping at arm’s length from being dumped by Romeo doesn’t kill me, over the past two weeks I’ve been doing a post-mortem on all the previous times that a break up has unraveled me, him or both of us in my Little Black Book.

My mantra: You’ve survived this before. You’ll survive this again. (more…)


Hope Can Be So Devastating 7

Some days I think hope is a curse.

You logically know something will never happen. You can clearly state how X, Y and Z factors mean that something is not just unlikely, but borderline impossible. You can articulate quite clearly to everyone around you how you know something is over. And yet, you still can’t shut up that little voice in your heart that hopes. (more…)


One Step Ahead of The Sad 2

For 9 days now I’ve sat on this, not quite knowing what to say or how to say it. For 9 days now I’ve simultaneously tried to come up with the words and tried to wish it out of existence.

Romeo broke up with me. He said long distance was too hard, and he had just stopped feeling invested in us because we couldn’t be around each other enough to make it work.

Yet again, science ruined my life, only this time instead of chemistry, it was time and space. Fuck you, physics. (more…)