Humiliation


SURPRISE! I’m not dead. 2

Rejected titles for this post include:

  • My Brain Called in Sick This Week
  • Nobody Uses Homophones Correctly All of the Times
  • Is This Real Life?

Y’all. Reality is by far stranger than fiction. Life is so crazy weird and good and just weird right now that I can’t even write about it yet. I need a few more wine nights with the girls to even be able to find the words for my current reality because I’m pretty sure if someone put a gun to my head to right write a normal post write today I would churn something out alarmingly akin to this. (more…)


Why are you confusing me with somebody who makes good decisions? 7

The internet loves lists. Personally, I think English teachers everywhere should be crucified for not teaching the masses of our generation how to organize thoughts in coherent paragraphs that flow lucidly and logically without a numerical value being the only connection from one thought to the next. Maybe that’s just me.

Yes, yes, I know I’ve been guilty of my own list post, but I’m usually very vocal about my stance that list writing is the lowest form of writing and should be reserved for grocery shopping and keeping tracking of your sexual partners… or… ummm… er… I mean I totally know all my sexual partners off the top of my head. Just grocery shopping. That’s what I meant.

Whatever. (more…)


This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things 6

Rejected titles for this entry include:

  • I’m About 10 Years Too Old To Throw Up in My Bushes
  • Thanks for Nothing, Tinder
  • What does one wear to their own intervention? I’m asking for a friend.

If you read Friday’s post, you know I was in a great place emotionally. Super pulled together. Healing all those brokenhearted wounds. Things were just going swimmingly. “Romeo, who?” kind of stuff.

Also, if you’ve read my much earlier posts, you know I feel very strongly about the need for an agreed-upon sarcasm font. Whatever you imagine that font to be in your head, envision the above paragraph to be written in bold version of that font.

So it’s no surprise (sarcasm font again but you’re going to have to start doing this yourself, ya know) that I was a total shit show this weekend.

It started with my brilliant idea to play The Tinder Game. (more…)


“… and that’s because none of us got enough love in our childhood.” 3

As a teacher, one of my favorite genres of writing to teach was the persuasive essay.

Maybe it’s because I worked at a law firm in college and fancied myself able to keep most of those misogynistic, self-righteous bastards on their toes. If I told you how many lawyers I’ve been in “relationshits” with, you would understand my not-so-thinly veiled loathing. AND I’M NOT YOUR “SUGAR,” MR. HOLLAND!!!

Maybe it’s because nothing is more entertaining than 150 preteens writing letters to convince you that the driving age should be lowered to thirteen. “My girlfriend lives on the other side of the highway and my mom won’t let me ride my bike that far” is as good a reason as I’ve ever heard.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been known to argue with a wall when I get bored. Let’s be honest… it’s probably that.

Either way, let me dazzle you with my persuasive writing skills as I explore the logos (logical), pathos (emotional), and ethos (credibility) appeals for why you should help me shamelessly whore out the Terrible Poker Face blog. (more…)


…Of Fucking Course You Do… 9

I met a guy. Not just any ol’ guy: in the midst of this heart-wrenching break up, I met a great guy. He’s so handsome. He’s got these dark green eyes and the kind of smile that you notice halfway across the bar. He’s got a great job and great arms. I know because I found every excuse possible to touch them all night long. He’s hilarious and smart and is totally into me too. He’s tall. In fact he’s a solid three inches taller than Romeo. (more…)


Break-Up Side Effect #1: Humiliation 12

New Relationship Smugness is a real thing, y’all.

According to Urban Dictionary- New Relationship Smugness (NRS)
A very common overwhelming emotion by new couples experienced within the first 1 – 6 months of their relationship. They are poisoned by their own happiness and led to believe they are the “Perfect Couple”, after the honeymoon phase ends and the healthy relationship begins… NRS quickly fades away.
“You and Robin are in the honeymoon phase. Everything’s perfect. Every song on the radio’s about you. Every other couple sucks. Enjoy it, NRS doesn’t last forever.”– Ted, How I Met Your Mother
When I first met Romeo, I experienced the smuggiest of New Relationship Smugness that ever did exist in all of the land: (more…)