“… and that’s because none of us got enough love in our childhood.” 3


As a teacher, one of my favorite genres of writing to teach was the persuasive essay.

Maybe it’s because I worked at a law firm in college and fancied myself able to keep most of those misogynistic, self-righteous bastards on their toes. If I told you how many lawyers I’ve been in “relationshits” with, you would understand my not-so-thinly veiled loathing. AND I’M NOT YOUR “SUGAR,” MR. HOLLAND!!!

Maybe it’s because nothing is more entertaining than 150 preteens writing letters to convince you that the driving age should be lowered to thirteen. “My girlfriend lives on the other side of the highway and my mom won’t let me ride my bike that far” is as good a reason as I’ve ever heard.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been known to argue with a wall when I get bored. Let’s be honest… it’s probably that.

Either way, let me dazzle you with my persuasive writing skills as I explore the logos (logical), pathos (emotional), and ethos (credibility) appeals for why you should help me shamelessly whore out the Terrible Poker Face blog.

Logos:

unknown2I need your help. I’m not sure how many of the rest of y’all have anonymous blogs, but let me tell you… it is SO
HARD to build readership when you can’t tell most of the people you know in real life to check out your page. In fact, half of the people that still say things like, “Oh my God, you HAVE to start a blog! I would read it all the time!” are friends with the guys from the Little Black Book or guys that I would like to pull up from the benches to add to the Little Black Book. And while my self-esteem is more than healthy, I don’t know if anyone is Hot enough to outweigh the amount of Crazy that would come with turning my sex life into a series of cautionary tales.

If I ever want to be naked with a gainfully employed, attractive, intelligent man again (spoiler alert: I do) then I’m going to have to reach way outside of that group for readers/followers/friends, and that’s where you come in.

 

Update 9/10/16: Enter the DGAF stage of life. Take it or leave it, bro. 

 

Pathos:

I’m a brokenhearted, brokenwalleted teacher from Texas. I can’t afford therapy. I can’t afford advertisers. I can barely afford wine, which really isn’t helping because in the long term I won’t be able to afford the dialysis that I’ll inevitably need after self-medicating through my breakups, family drama, and dealing with the shit show that working with children brings to my life.

If you enjoy laughing at my pain or knowing you’re not alone through the dark and twisty, and especially if you enjoy both, consider this your call to action to keep this bad boy up and running. Forward your favorite post in an email to your friends. Click on all that Stumbleupon jazz at the bottom of each post. Follow me on BlogLovin. Follow me on Pinterest. Invite them to follow me on Facebook. Tweet to your friends. Is that even couth? God, you guys know I don’t know shit about the internet. Follow me on Instagram. Just kidding, don’t do that last one. I mean I have an Instagram but that’s only because my friend told me it was cool. Maybe it’s because I eat my food too fast to photograph it, but I just don’t get it.

Ethos:

So yes, right now I am shamelessly whoring myself out, but most of the time this is what people have to say about me:

“Terrible Poker Face is the best new female blog of 2015!”

-The New York Times

“I can’t get enough of the Terrible Poker Face blog! She’s so hilarious and insightful.”

-Lena Dunham

“We could all learn about the power of humor and healing from Terrible Poker Face. She’s brilliant and wise beyond her years.”

-Some Psychologist

“I wish I was as funny as you! Please be my friend in real life!”

-Mindy Kaling

It’s not libel if it’s obviously a lie, right? Please don’t sue me. See above. I’m poor and will probably try to seduce and then slash the tires of all the lawyers involved. 

Here’s the thing: ethos is based entirely on credibility. You don’t know me in real life, so all you’ve got is what I’ve written so far. If it’s not your cup of tea, I’ll forgive you and may God have mercy on your soul. However if this does work for you, feed my creative monster and click on some of the provided links above.

I’m also a firm believer of karma and “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours” so if you feature me on a blog or have your own creative endeavor that you want to be a shameless whore about, shoot me a message! I’d love nothing more than to help you out as well. 🙂

“Oooh, the audience loves me… and I love them. And they love me for loving them and I love them for loving me. And we love each other. And that’s because none of us got enough love in our childhood. And that’s showbiz… kid.”

-Roxy Hart, Chicago <– That one is real

If nothing else, can we all commit to calling people “kid” more often in casual conversation? It’s just so damn cool.


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