Carbon Emissions = Banging a Coworker 2


Like I’m sure all jobs do, being an English teacher comes with some occupational hazards: I’m an unrepentant snob about the book always being better than the movie; people assume I’m a grammatical know-it-all, when truthfully I was in my second year of teaching before I fully understood how to use a comma outside of a list (that might be more shameful for me to admit than any explicit sex tale); I overuse literary devices in every day conversation.

Pause–> I realize using a colon, a parenthetical statement, and two semicolons in a paragraph where I plea ignorance on basic grammatical rules is a ballsy move. I may or may not be having a mild anxiety attack because truthfully I’m not sure it’s MLA approved, but I refuse to be bullied by punctuation. Play–>

Let me start by saying that Romeo is incredibly intelligent and usually very well informed. He’s also significantly more conservative that I am, so there are more than a few occasions where we have found ourselves wildly at odds on a topic. Lucky for us, this rarely ends in an actual fight and if anything serves more as foreplay. A few posts ago I mentioned how Romeo and I were in a heated debate about global warming. It went something like this:

Me: (something something something that I can’t recall because it wasn’t even important)… so that’s why I worry about global warming.

Romeo: I’m not totally sure I believe all the hype about global warming.

Me: <eyes as big as saucers and in a tone usually reserved for the criminally insane> That’s like saying you don’t believe that the world is round. That’s like saying you think the sun is a god and not a star. It’s… science. Like how do you not believe in science?

Romeo: There are lots of scientists that talk about how Earth’s temperature has been going through cyclical changes since long before human influence was a factor.

Me: Fox News anchors aren’t scientists. They aren’t even actual news anchors.

Romeo: I don’t watch Fox News.

Me: I know. Thank God. If you did, we wouldn’t be dating.

Romeo: (paraphrased) I’m just saying that the global warming that we are experiencing right now might not necessitate a need for more regulations for companies and individuals because we’ve already done so much in the last 100 years that I think we will see a decrease in our global impact in time IF we even have a global impact at all.

Me: I’m just saying that those studies are unreliable because they are funded by people who are paying scientists to find whatever behooves their personal or financial gains.

Romeo: Are green energy companies paying for the studies you’re referring to?

Me: Fine. I don’t know. It just seems like an awfully big gamble to say “Oh, gee whiz, guys, we’re not as bad as we used to be, so even though we’re not as good as we could be, and we are certainly not as good as not fucking up the world at all, but let’s take our chances and hope we’re all just overreacting.”

This is where the simile comes in:

Me: Global warming is like a relationship. Both the Earth’s climate and satisfaction in a relationship go through ups and downs, even if you’re maintaining the status quo in all other areas. However, there are certain things, for example an affair, that will create a sudden downtown in a relationship that might even be so bad that it can never be recovered. Much the same way, there are some ways that we are abusing our planet that are creating huge, unnecessary negative impacts that might just be irreparable.

He told me that I had 4 business days to submit a better simile. I laughed and kissed him because neither of us are going to stop people from destroying the planet, so I might as well be happy with not destroying us.

 

9/10/16 Update: Talk about prophetic. Holy shit.


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